We received this in our inbox awhile ago and decided to share it with you all.
I would like to be kept anonymous, not because I am ashamed, but because of the fact that when I have previously been open and honest about my situation I have been ostracized to the point where I genuinely feel my life was threatened. I am an avid reader of your blog and I appreciate the effort you put into it. After reading your posts today I was really bothered. I finally think I can convey my feelings in a way that I hope will be helpful.
I had my abortion last April. Where I live it’s almost unheard of to not have children by 21, to the point where people feel it’s their place to ask you why you haven’t reproduced yet. I just turned 21 two weeks ago, have had a steady job , stayed in college and purchased my own home in the three short years that I have been out of high school. My boyfriend and I are very happy, and have been looking forward to starting our family when we could provide more than our parents could. Not that they didn’t do their best, we just want to be prepared for any situation. While I have been trying to get to a place that I am comfortable and stable enough to have children, my peers have all had at minimum two kids, I honestly cannot think of one girl that has enough money to feed her, and all the little ones without government assistance. It’s just the way life is here.
I was never more heartbroken when my birth control failed and our condom broke. My best friend hugged me while I cried for what seemed like eternity when we read the positive tests. My emotions ranged so drastically, at first I wanted to puke, then happiness flooded the pit of my stomach, then worry, followed by sadness, which ended with anger. I was so angry with myself. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I had done everything correctly, (or so I thought). I assumed we were being as responsible as we possibly could without abstaining all together.
When my boyfriend got home from work, we talked about it and he was just as devastated, but very supportive. I went to the doctor to confirm, it was terribly ironic that the nurse that told me I was pregnant was about 8 months along. The deciding factor of my trip to the clinic was in fact my ultrasound. As she went on and on about names and sex I just stared at what could be a spec of dirt on the monitor. There was no baby there. No appendages, no tadpole, nothing at all. I knew this wasn’t a child, and I made my decision. She started in immediately about how life, “cannot be planned” and how I am plenty old enough. I wiped my belly, jumped off the table, thanked her and informed her that I would not need the script for vitamins. She argued with me, then told me to “stay put” while she drug several other doctors and nurses in to tell me just how crazy and selfish that I was. I was appalled at their lack of professionalism.
I had to travel 3 hours to a clinic waited my two days, went back alone, had the procedure, drove myself home and promptly went to bed for the weekend. By the start of the week I was feeling incredibly guilty, for not feeling guilty at all. I felt like some sort of heartless monster. I was completely contradicting everything that I have ever known.
Like I said before, I tried to speak out; I tried to let other girls know that they didn’t have to give up their 20’s if they did not want to. Instead of easing their minds, they just called me names. I was mortified. I can say that I didn’t tell anyone I was going to the clinic besides my best friend and boyfriend because I knew my family would all but force me to have the child. I would ultimately be as resentful as my mother is of me. I don’t want my child to be a punishment, and no matter how hard I would’ve tried, you cannot fake being a mom without failing miserably at it. When I have children I want to be able to give all the time and dedication that they deserve.
Even though we have a home and jobs, we can barely feed ourselves. We are worse off at this very minute than we were in April. Sometimes I catch myself when I babysit thinking it could have been wonderful, but then reality smacks me in the face and I immediately remember that I made the right choice, financially as well as emotionally. I don’t know myself well enough to instill any sort of morals or guidance yet, but I know that when I am sure, my family down the road will thank me for sacrificing when I was younger to build a better life for them.
I didn’t anticipate this being so long, but you have no idea how amazing it feels to let this flow out of me. If you feel like it’s worthy of tumblr please post it. I hope that I’m not the only one that feels this way. There are so many terrible rumors and misconceptions about abortion. I just want to make it a bit clearer for others lost in between the two extremes of emotions. Thanks again.